Wow! The Original Model T Ford Assembly Line!!

All Right! Here it is: My Absolute Best Discovery to Date: An Amazing 8-12-Year-Old Piano GENIUS!!

More Japanese Pets

Maybe These Dogs are the Smartest?

http://objflicks.com/WhenLifewasInBlack&White.htm

Radio Clips:

Red's Tribute to Edward R. Morrow! You....are There!

Red's 1953 Hollywood Studio Songfest: It's ZORCH!!

Flash Bulletin October 9, 2005!!

NASA re-visits Moon after 30 years! Incredible discovery!

 Extreme Bulletin! New Federal Employee Work Proficiency Ratings:

(Real recent Samples)

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity"

"I would not allow this employee to breed"

"This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be"

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap"

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet"

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle"

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy"

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them"

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot"

"This employee should go far, and the sooner the better"

"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together"

"A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus"

"He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless"

"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier"

"I would like to go hunting with him sometime"

"He's been working with glue too much"

"He would argue with a signpost"

"He has knack for making strangers immediately"

"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room"

"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell"

"If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one"

"A photographic memory but with the cap over the lens"

"A prime candidate for natural deselection"

"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it"

"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming"

"Has 2 brains, one is lost, the other is out looking for it"

"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week"

"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change"

"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean"

"It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000 other sperm"

"One neuron short of a synapse"

"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled"

"Takes him 12 hours to watch 60 Minutes"

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the erudite

scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had 

been stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates". His mind sees things 

differently than most do, to our amazement and amusement.

Here are some more of his gems:

1- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2- Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3- Half the people you know are below average.

4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

6- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

7- All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

8- The early bird may get the worm; the second mouse gets the cheese.

9- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

10- OK, so what's the speed of dark?

11- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

12- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

13- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to avoid work.

14- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

15- I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.

16- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

17- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

18- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

19- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

20- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the 

bread.

21- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

22- Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

23- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is

research

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the

roof and gets stuck.

- George Carlin

        The original point-and-click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

              For those who love the philosophy of ambiguity.... 

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor..... 
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? 
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. 
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. 
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions? 
8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? 
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? 
10. Is there another word for synonym? 
11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?" 
12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? 
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? 
14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk? 
15 Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? 
16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? 
17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? 
18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? 
19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? 
20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs? 
21. What was the best thing before sliced bread? 
22. One nice thing about egotists:They don't talk about other people. 
23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra? 
24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? 
25. How is it possible to have a civil war? 
26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too? 
27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry? 
28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? 
29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it? 
30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"? 
31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? 
32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? 
33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented? 
34. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

Late-Breaking News; July 12, GBS News...

Osama Bin Ladin Located!

(Keep Your Eyes On the Picture)

April 23, 2005, GBS News...

Defense Attorney Johnny Cochran's funeral was recently held in his home town, and burial in the local cemetery shows this remarkable headstone:

April 16, 2005 GBS News....

Useful information. . . . . . in case your wallet/purse, or credit
cards/checks, or information on your credit cards/checks, get stolen.

1. The next time you order checks have ONLY YOUR INITIALS (instead of your
first name) and last name put on them. If someone takes your checkbook, they
will not know if you sign your checks with just your initials or your first
name, but your bank will know how you sign your checks.

2. Do not sign the back of your credit cards. Instead, write PHOTO ID
REQUIRED.

3. When you are writing checks to pay on your credit card accounts, DO NOT
put the complete account number on the For line. Instead, put ONLY THE LAST
FOUR NUMBERS. The credit card company knows the rest of the number, and
anyone who might be handling your check as it passes through all the check
processing channels won't have access to it.

4. Put your WORK PHONE # on your checks instead of your home phone. If you
have a PO Box use that instead of your home address. If you do not have a PO
Box, use your work address. Never have your SS# printed on your checks.
(DUH!) You can add it if it is necessary. But if you have it printed, anyone
can get it.

5. Place the contents of your wallet on a photocopy machine. Do both sides
of each license, credit card, etc. You will know what you had in your wallet
and all of the account numbers and phone numbers to call and cancel. Keep
the photocopy in a safe place.
Carry a photocopy of my passport when traveling either here or abroad. We've all heard

horror stories about fraud that's committed on us in stealing a name, address, Social Security number, credit cards.
Here's more critical information to limit the damage in case this happens to you or someone you know:

1. We have been told we should cancel our credit cards immediately. But the
key is HAVING THE TOLL FREE NUMBERS AND YOUR CARD NUMBERS HANDY so you know whom to call.

 Keep those where you can find them.

2. FILE A POLICE REPORT IMMEDIATELY in the jurisdiction where your credit
cards, etc., were stolen. This proves to credit providers you were diligent,
and this is a first step toward an investigation (if there ever is one).

But here's what is perhaps most important of all:

3. CALL THE 3 NATIONAL CREDIT REPORTING ORGANIZATIONS IMMEDIATELY to place a fraud alert on your name and Social Security number. We had never heard of doing that until advised by a bank that called to tell us an application for credit was made over the Internet in our name. The alert means any company that checks your credit knows your information was stolen, and THEY HAVE TO CONTACT YOU BY PHONE TO AUTHORIZE NEW CREDIT.

Now, here are the numbers you always need to contact about your wallet,
etc., has been stolen:

1.) Equifax: 1-800-525-6285
2.) Experian (formerly TRW): 1-888-397-3742
3.) Trans Union: 1-800-680-7289
4.) Social Security Administration (fraud line): 1-800-269-0271

We pass along jokes on the Internet; we pass along just about everything.
But if you are willing to pass this information along, it could really help
someone .

RECOGNIZING A STROKE - A true story

John is recuperating at an incredible pace for someone with a massive stroke all because Robert saw John stumble, which is the key that isn't mentioned below, and then Robert asked John the 3 questions, so simple, but they literally saved John's life. Someone had sent the information to Robert who did just what it said to do.

John failed all three questions so 911 was called. Even though John had normal blood pressure readings and did not appear to be a stroke victim as he could converse to some extent with the Paramedics they took John to the hospital right away.

Read and Learn!

Sometimes symptoms of a stroke are difficult to identify. Unfortunately, the lack of awareness spells disaster. The stroke victim may suffer brain damage while people nearby fail to recognize the symptoms. Now, doctors say a bystander can recognize a stroke by asking three simple questions:

* Ask the individual to SMILE.

* Ask him or her to RAISE BOTH ARMS.

* Ask the person to SPEAK A SIMPLE SENTENCE.

If he or she has trouble with any of these tasks, call 9-1-1 immediately and describe the symptoms to the dispatcher.

After discovering that a group of non-medical volunteers could identify facial weakness, arm weakness and speech problems, researchers urged the general public to learn the three questions. They presented their conclusions at the American Stroke Association's annual meeting last February. Widespread use of this test could result in prompt diagnosis and treatment of the stroke and prevent brain damage.

SHARE THIS ARTICLE WITH AS MANY PEOPLE AS POSSIBLE. You could save their lives.

FLASH!! GBS News, Aug. 17, 2005....

             Subject: FW: Car Theft
I got this email and thought you might be interested to know this 
information. I know this is true because I know of people who have lost

their keys and have gone through the following:

Seems that car thieves have found yet another way to steal
your car or truck without any effort at all. The car thieves peer

through the windshield of your car or truck, write down the VIN #

from the label on the dash, go to the local car dealership and request

a duplicate key based on the VIN #.

I didn't believe this e-mail, so I called a friend at Chrysler 
Dodge and pretended I had lost my keys. They told me to just 
bring in the VIN #, and they would cut me one on the spot, and I 
could order the keyless device if I wanted.
The Car Dealer's Parts Department will make a duplicate key
from the VIN#, and collect payment from the thief who will 
return to your car. He doesn't have to break in, do any damage
to the vehicle, or draw attention to himself. All he has to do is 
walk up to your car, insert the key and off he goes to a local
Chop Shop with your vehicle.
You don't believe it? It IS that easy. To avoid this from 
happening to you, simply put some tape (electrical tape, duct
tape or medical tape) across the VIN Metal Label located on
the dash board. By law, you cannot remove the VIN, but you can 
cover it so it can't be viewed through the windshield by a car 
thief. 

I urge you to forward this to your friends before some other
car thief steals another car or truck.
I slipped a 3 x 5 card over the VIN #

Pamela Johnson
Office Assistant II
Pasadena Police Department
Auto Theft Division
Fugitive Investigations
Target Offender Program
Operation Spotlight
1114 Jeff Ginn Memorial Drive
Pasadena, Texas 77506
Office 713-475-7840

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."

-- Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."

-- Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great

  pleasure."

-- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the

  dictionary."

-- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway) "

Poor Faulkner.  Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"

-- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time 

  reading it..."

-- Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."

-- Abraham Lincoln

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening.  But this wasn't it."

-- Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."

-- Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."

-- Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a

  friend...if you have one."

-- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second...if there is

  one."

-- Winston Churchill, in reply

Subject: more Unanswered Questions: 

1.  Can you cry under water? 

2.  How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated

    instead of just murdered? 

3.  If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches? 

4.  Since bread is square, why is sandwich meat round? 

5.  Why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"?

    Where's that extra penny going to? 

6.  Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in

    for eternity? 

7.  Why does a round pizza come in a square box? 

8.  What disease did cured ham actually have? 

9.  How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea

    to put wheels on luggage? 

10.  Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every

     two hours? 

11.  If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? 

12.  If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you? 

13.  Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? 

14.  Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to

     look at things on the ground? 

15.  How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America??? 

16.  Why do doctors leave the room while you change?

     They're going to see you naked anyway. 

17.  If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call? 

18.  Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural? 

19.  Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup? 

20.  Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these

     dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!" 

21.  Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp,

     which no decent human being would eat? 

22.  When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile?

     If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license,

     are you going to be smiling? 

23.  If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him? 

24.  Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? 

25.  If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? 

26.  Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is? 

27.  Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?  They're both dogs! 

28.  What do you call male ballerinas? 

29.  Can blind people see their dreams?  Do they dream? 

30.  If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just

     buy dinner? 

31.  If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,

     what is baby oil made from? 

32.  If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? 

33.  Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse? 

34.  Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? 

35.  Why did you just try singing the two songs above? (LMAO...) 

36.  Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it

     a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt? 

37.  Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you,

     but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window? 

This is our kind of story!

It was a busy morning, approximately 8:30 am, when an elderly gentleman, in his 80's, arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He stated that he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am. I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would to able to see him. I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound. On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound. While taking care of his wound, we began to engage in conversation. I asked him if he had a doctor's appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry. The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife. I then inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer Disease. As we talked, and I finished dressing his wound, I asked if she would be worried if he was a bit late. He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now. I was surprised, and asked him. "And you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are?" He smiled as he patted my hand and said. "She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is."

George Raft, GBS News March 8, 2005...

It has just been learned that the late actor George Raft's image is to be used to promote a new line of backyard barbecues. The store being set up is called:    

                                 "The Grates of Raft!" (tada-BOOM!)

You might wonder what's inside a Grand Piano. How about 88 of these?

GBS Audio

Found: An Old Tape of Bolero!

And below, Red’s advisor/inspiration for all things musical:

Eliot Daniel:  01/07/08 – 12/06/97

The "I Love Lucy" TV show ran from October 15, 1951, through September 24, 1961 (for a total 180 episodes). Cuban Bandleader Ricky Ricardo (Desi Arnaz) would be happy if his wife Lucy MacGillicuddy (Lucille Ball) would just be a housewife; instead she tried constantly to perform at the Tropicana where he worked, and made life comically frantic in the apartment building they shared with landlords Fred (William Frawley) and Ethel Mertz (Vivian Vance). The first major show to be put on film rather than kinescope. The series was produced by Jess Oppenheimer, directed by Marc Daniels, and written by Jess Oppenheimer, Madelyn Pugh, and Bob Carroll, Jr. During the first season, CBS-TV broadcasts opened with a custom animation incorporating sponsor Phillip Morris's graphics and "stick figure" cartoons of Desi and Lucy. It was scored with Ferde Grofé's Jr. "The Grand Canyon Suite" theme (a composition from 1931) used for Phillip Morris cigarette advertising on radio/TV, and a voice-over by midget bellboy "Johnny" with his familiar cry in which he drawled, "Call for Phil-lip Mor-ray-iss". During the 2nd part of the animation, the Grofé theme segued into the famous "I Love Lucy" (Signature) theme. >From the second season onwards, the "I Love Lucy" (signature) theme composed by composer-arranger-pianist Eliot Daniel in 1951 (lyrics added later by Harold Adamson), became the main theme, and one of the most recognizable pieces of music on the planet. Daniel is said to have written the theme for the untested TV show secretly and "as a favor to his old Coast Guard buddy" Oppenheimer, according to Oppenheimer's memoir "Laughs, Luck... and Lucy" (1996, Syracuse University Press). Since Daniel still had another year under his exclusive contract to Fox, he asked Oppenheimer to keep his "name out of it". Consequently his name does not appear on first or the second season TV credits for what became one of the most popular TV themes. "There's a certain couple that I know, they're strictly lovebirds, a pair of turtle dove birds. He's a guy who wants the world to know, so ev'ry day you'll hear him say: I Love Lucy and she loves me, we're as happy as two can be, sometimes we quarrel but then again, how we love making up again. Lucy kisses like no one can, she's my missus and I'm her man; and life is heaven you see, 'cause I Love Lucy, yes I Love Lucy and Lucy loves me." Daniel wrote the Oscar-nominated song "Lavender Blue (DillyDilly)" for the Disney Studios, and the lyrics for the also Oscar-nominated song "Never" (for the Fox film "Golden Girl" in 1951). Eliot's film credits included serving as vocal director for Marilyn Monroe and Jane Russell in "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes" (Twentieth Century-Fox, 1953). His other TV work included the theme song for the comedy series "December Bride" (1954-1959).

Yes,I was proud to call this composer/arranger/pianist,my friend!

…Red Blanchard

Red's NYC Astor Hotel Dining Room Card: 1942!

GREAT QUOTES BY GREAT LADIES 

Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what the hell happened. -Cora Harvey Armstrong- 

Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out.  But I can usually shut the bitch up with cookies.      --Unknown author 

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. -Helen Hayes (at 73)- 

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs.  I think of them as stray eyebrows. -Janette Barber- 

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. -Lily Tomlin- 

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. -Carrie Snow- 

Laugh and the world laughs with you.  Cry and you cry with your girlfriends. -Laurie Kuslansky- 

My second favorite household chore is ironing.  My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. -Erma Bombeck- 

Old age ain't no place for sissies. -Bette Davis- 

A man's got to do what a man's got to do.  A woman must do everything including what he can't. -Rhonda Hansome- 

The phrase "working mother" is redundant. -Jane Sellman- 

Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows. 
Jennifer Unlimited
  

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good.

 Luckily, this is not difficult. -Charlotte Whitton- 

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. -Caryn Leschen- 

I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days attack me at once. -Jennifer Unlimited- 

If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. -Catherine- 

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb -- and I'm also not blonde. -Dolly Parton- 

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. -Sue Grafton- 

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. -Roseanne Barr- 

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. -Elayne Boosler- 

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. -Maryon Pearson- 

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man.  If you want anything done, ask a woman. -Margaret Thatcher- 

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. -Gloria Steinem- 

I am a marvelous housekeeper.  Every time I leave a man, I keep his house. -Zsa Zsa Gabor- 

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. -Eleanor Roosevelt- 

Wow! -  How's This for Mother's Love?

NEWEST SPAM ATTACK SCHEME!!

It has been discovered that when you get an undesired spam message or advertisement, they seemingly make it very convenient for you to just "click here" to 'unsubscribe;' however, when you do, your E-Mail address is being relayed to thousands of other spammers! So, the obvious answer is, to NEVER click on ANYTHING in a spam message or ad. We just found this out the hard way, and had to shut down an entire E-Mail setup. Feel free to copy and forward this at will... Sincerely,  Red Blanchard   

 OK, how about how math has survived through the years:

 Teaching Math In 1950
 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5
 of the price. What is his profit?
 
 Teaching Math In 1960
 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5
of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
 
 Teaching Math In 1970
 A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set of  "M" of money. The
cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots
representing the elements of the set "M." The set "C," the cost of production,
contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set
"M." Answer this question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?
 
 Teaching Math In 1980
 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80
and his profit is $20. Your
 assignment: Underline the number 20.
 
  
 Teaching Math In 1990
 By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you
think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after
answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger
cut down the trees. (There are no wrong answers)
 
 Teaching Math In 2000
 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is
$120. How does Arthur Anderson determine that his profit margin is $60?
 
 Teaching Math In 2009
 El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta de production
es.............

 While we are at it, Attention, Veterans (WWII): This MP3's For You!!

AN AMAZING Mathematical phenomenon: (!)

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

 The GBS Staff:

Vice president and Inter-government liaison:………….….…..Carlsbard Colrain Smirthwirm Bates, III

Second Vice President and accounts payable enforcement:………........Dominick (No-neck) Gramolini

Secretary and would-be Treasurer:..........…………........Hepzibah van Renssalaer Fuchs/Blotz Bogardus

 Actual Treasurer and Controller:.…..............……………………........................Dowling (Dow) Nazdack Bogardus

 Corporate Medical Officer:..........................................……………………………………....................Dr. Christian Bogardus

 Chief Assistant Webmaster:.........................……………………………...............William (Bill) Henry Gates Bogardus

 Corporate and Network Security:..........................………………..……….......................J. Pilkington Snoopington Jr.

Historian:…………………………………………………….............………….Carlos Dmitrios Constantinos Apostolostopos

Department of Finnish Affairs….....................….............………………………..................................Asarias Pyylvalainen

Field Reporter, European Theater……………………..........……………….….…………….. Rabicultionary Koyberaser

While we are name-dropping, how about these:

Here is a list of actual names of actual people, as collected by Dr. Eleanor Fraser, of Laguna Beach:

Daisy Bonecutter, Boonrod Binson, Wambly Bald, J. C. Beaglehole, Cosy Crofoot,

Polly Wanda Crocker, Noble Dudgeon, Crystal Shan de Lear, Rudy Dew,

Selma Dingus, Comentine Dingledine, Elnora Fuggle, Felonious Fish, Zelda Gunch,

Heidi High, Herman Hinkelbrackle, Herter Husky, Hirschel Hoopengarner,

Gladman C. Humbles, Karvin and Keetette Kuffer (sisters,) King Kwong, Portia Kluttz,

Lona Million, Thurley Oliphant, Whynotta Posey, Cherley L. Peeples, Pinckney Pinchback,

Delwin C. Pooter,

Felicitas Pfeffenberger, Rosie Rotencrotch, Cheryl Schmaltz, Bunny Howell Seidensticker,

Easter Sledge, Sylvan Stool, Irvy Schloe, Sadie Schmeekle, Oral Suer, Dewey Sweat,

Beulah Tooth, Karma Toadvine, Gladiola Wormwood, and Bernd Wieners.

    Then, from England, there are: W. Peter Cockshott, MD; Sir Basil Smallpiece,

Marjorie Proops, and Iris Greep.

I have added these to my other collections of odd names, and while I cannot  vouch

for their authenticity,  I can only hope that some mothers in the distant past had a really

fiendish sense of humor.

This just in:  The definition of a true  gentleman:                                                         
                    He knows how to play the accordian, BUT HE WON’T DO IT!

                                     MORE VERY QUOTABLE QUOTES:

"I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall". (Eleanor Roosevelt)

"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and having the two as close together as possible." (George Burns)

"Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year." (Victor Borge)

"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." (Mark Twain)

"What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce." (Mark Twain)

"My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects." (Les Dawson)

"By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher." (Socrates)

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." (Groucho Marx)

"Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult." (Charlotte Whitton)

"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech - every now and then she stops to breathe." (Jimmy Durante)

"The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things." (Jilly Cooper)

"I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back." (Zsa Zsa Gabor)

"Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: Alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat." (Alex Levine)

"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. it was here first." (Mark Twain)

"My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying." (Ed Furgol)

"Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." (Spike Milligan)

"What's the use of happiness? It can't buy money." (Henny Youngman)

"I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position." (Mark Twain)

"Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up.'" (Joe Namath)

"I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere." (George Burns)

"At my age flowers scare me." (George Burns)

"Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life." (Herbert Henry Asquith)

"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age." (Lucille Ball)

"I don't feel old - I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap." (Bob Hope)

"A woman drove me to drink - and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her." (W.C. Fields)

"I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it." (W.C. Fields)

"It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can' t remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth." (George Burns)

"If only God would give me some sign...a clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank." (Selections from the Allen Notebooks, New Yorker)

"Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate." (Woody Allen)

"If you want to make GOD Laugh, tell him your future plans." (Woody Allen)

"Those are my principals, if you don't like them...... I have others." (Groucho Marx)

"Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement." (Mark Twain) I used to have Saturday Night Fever... Now I just have Saturday Night hot flashes.

                                MORE PHILOSOPHY:

Ever get the feeling your stuff strutted off without you?

Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old... as long as she buys him a few drinks first.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief.

I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age.. But they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."

Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

Don't let aging get you down...It's too hard to get back up.                   

THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE!

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;

but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.

One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,

yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;

yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,

why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,

and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,

why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,

yet hat in the plural would never be hose,

and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren,

but though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,

but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

Some MORE reasons to be grateful if you grew up speaking English:

 The bandage was wound around the wound.

 The farm was used to produce produce.

 The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

 We must polish the Polish furniture.

 He could lead if he would get the lead out.

 The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

 Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

 At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.

 When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

 I did not object to the object.

 The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

 There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

 They were too close to the door to close it.

 The buck does funny things when the does are present.

 A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

 To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

 The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

 After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.

 Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

 I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

 How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend ?

 I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.

 Screwy pronunciations can mess up your mind! For example...If you have a rough cough, climbing can be tough when going through the tree on a bough!

 Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in

 Eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

 English muffins weren't invented in England. We take English for

 granted.

 But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work

 slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from

 Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers

 don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

 Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of  them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

 If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

 Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be

 committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

 In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

 Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

 Have noses that run and feet that smell?

 How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man

 and a wiseguy are opposites?

 You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your

 house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by

 filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

If Dad is Pop, how's come Mom isn't Mop?

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One of our earlier broadcasts:

Then, in early 1951 we covered the first live broadcast of an Atomic Bomb test from Yucca Flats, near Las Vegas.  Red Blanchard fed this report to the entire CBS radio network:  (How naive we were!)

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Philosophy Quotes:

"Vegetables are of less importance than meat. Do you think anyone would really care if lima beans got   
  tangled up in the tuna nets?" -Gene Perret

"If I can be of any help . . . you're in worse shape than I thought." -- Author Unknown

"I don't believe in coincidences." -Sherlock Holmes

"Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss." -- Author
  Unknown

“A committee is a group of the unwilling chosen from the unfit to do the unnecessary.” -- Author Unknown

“A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.” -- -- H. L. Mencken

“Applying modern technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound the correct screw.” -- Author
  Unknown

“Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.” -- Garrison Keillor

“Facts are stubborn things, but statistics are more pliable.” -- Laurence Peter

“Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he encounters needs pounding.” -- Abraham     
  Kaplan

“Never stand behind a coughing cow.” -- Author Unknown

“Never trust a skinny chef.” -- Author Unknown

“Only dead fish always go with the current.” -- Indian Proverb

“StoP tHe logGiNg or We wiLL coNtiNuE to KIll oNe cEleBriTY eACh wEeK. THeSE wERe No SkIInG 
  AcCIdenTS. -- THe tReeS. 

"Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter.” -Andy Rooney

“Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.” -Dave Barry